Defiance of Tyranny

2009-01-09T18:55:00.001-08:00

Nobody will ever let you know
When you ask the reasons why
They just tell you that you're on your own
Fill your head all full of lies

-black sabbath-

Goodbye India.

2008-12-18T07:11:00.000-08:00

I made it. While traveling is one of my favorite things to do in life, flying might really be my least. It's not that I have some neurotic fear of crashing and burning to death, that I feel nauseous or that I don't like sitting two inches away from a complete stranger, who's head happens to be constantly falling on my shoulder. No, no...it's none of those reasons. You see the reason I despise flying is because I have a really small butt with no meat on it and I CAN'T SLEEP ON PLANES!!! Add those two things together and you get a butt crampy dude who doesn't sleep for 48 hours. Oh, did I mention I can't sleep in airports or on buses either? So quite literally I did not sleep for two days.

India was life changing. Not to be fucking cheesy or anything but it was really quite an eye opener. I don't think it was in the same way other guests of India transform. For me, most of all, it was the constant love that i received from being surrounded by family. My life in general, due to my line of work, consists of giving a lot of myself to others. However, in India I felt as those the playing field was leveled and I just sat back and relished in the love that my family lathered on me, in abundance it came.

So what have I learned from this. Well, I learned how important family is to me. I love mine and I want to become better at showing them how important they are to me. I want to treat my wife diligently, with more love and affirmation. I want to be as solid of a rock for her as she is for me. Lastly, I want to continue to cultivate and nourish the many pockets of community in my life. I want my friends to always know how important they are to me. So there it is, now you know.

Thank you to Rachel and Chinua for caring for me the way they do. Unconditional love. You truly are the best people I know, the wisest, most edifying, and all together raddest folks.

2008-12-13T19:42:00.000-08:00

So as I said before, my trip to Hampi was both beautiful and inspiring. Although I am not super stoked to travel alone across India it definetly prompted desires to see more of this country.

2008-12-09T20:03:00.000-08:00

When my brother in-law could not come on a trip to Hampi, I inherited a two person bunk on the sleeper bus we had already bought tickets for. Score! So I thought... At about midnight one of the workers on the buses ever so politely asked me if he could lay down next to me in order to get some sleep. He let me know that if this was a problem "no problem, I sleep on floor". Well what do you do with that. I can't very well let a man sleep on the floor. So, seven more hours of sleeplessness, he was a bit of a roller, before I arrived in beautiful Hampi. The people are as beautiful as the town. The landscape is covered with incredibly huge boulders, rocks, temples and ruins that date back to the 15th century. It is more then breathtaking.

I am off to find breakfast and coffee before I go searching for the famous waterfalls. Pictures to come soon.

2008-12-07T00:09:00.001-08:00

While we were waiting at the hospital today, for Kid A to have some stitches removed, I found this beautiful Catholic church and took some photos. I still have yet to find a way into one of these churches as they seems pretty tightly closed up when not in use. Goa seems to have a large number of devout Catholic members, there are shines scattered everywhere, in homes and on the street. Actually, if you rent a guest house here you are not allowed to take down the shine that is on the wall, as per ones priests instructions. As some of you know, Catholic art is one of my favorite types of imagery so I am constantly oooing and awweinng over these exhibitions of faith.
I believe this is a Virgin Mary shines, one of many spread around Goa.
My man Saint Francis of Assisi (under an umbrella). A local church locacted in the coconut grove.

Disclaimer: These are not the best photos. Just some quick ones I snapped on the go.

Coconut Grove

2008-12-02T01:01:00.000-08:00

2008-12-01T23:54:00.000-08:00

Well I finally learned how to juggle fire. Although these pictures may portray that I have things under control, it was actually terrifying and clumsy. I vividly pictured burning my face off by igniting my beard into flames many times.
The sound of fire flying by your face is incredible.
I also learned that I am more and more resembling a pirate these days. Whats the deal with that.

Chinua on the other hand is much more graceful and technically advanced (by light years) when juggling.
Even when he is making faces that could make a little child cry.

2008-12-01T02:21:00.000-08:00

Three beautiful children.

Kid A

Ya Ya
Leafy
Jungle gyms look a little different in India. I can't even imagine the memories that these kids are going to have when they grow up. Already they tell me stories about Turkey, Israel and India.

India continued

2008-11-30T00:57:00.000-08:00

Mapusa Market day definitely felt a little more like the idea of India that I had before coming here. Amabal is a bit more accommodating to foreigners and feels a bit like a surf town you might find in Mexico. Mapusa is much more crazy, much more exciting

Rachel seemed to navigate her way through the market smoothly as I spun in circles , crying like a baby...

It actually took some work to overcome the fear of asking people to take their picture...

not that I mind looking like a tourist...I just don't want to be insulting...
but actually, folks were quite eager to talk, have their picture taken and crowd around to see the result. A few even took the opportunity to take me to their stand to buy something.

Leafy made some new friends...

everyone got hair cuts...

and we even saw Buddy Christ.

10 Things I miss About Lara

2008-11-28T06:57:00.000-08:00

1. Number one is definitely snuggles. Snooggles, if you didn't know, are snuggles minus the clothing. To much information?

2. Her smell.

3. The cute little whinny voice she does when she is feeling a little bit sick.

4. Family walks with Brodie.

5. Her convincing me to stay up way too late, eating junk food and watching Battlestar Galactica.

6. Talking about everything with her. Having someone always around that you can gab on to about what ever is on my mind.

7. I even miss how she takes up all of the blankets and positions herself on a angle in the bed.

8. Her wisdom and thoughts on life. I have missed out on hearing her rave about school and all the incredible marks she has been getting.

9. Her silliness with Alex, her brother. Her indisputable strength in every situation she encounters. She has such a gentle heart and treats everyone around her with such dignity.

10. Oh and did I mention the SNOOGGLES!!!!

Oh man I miss my wife!

2008-11-24T02:18:00.000-08:00

I want to start out by saying that Indian people are beautiful, both physically and culturally. I am blessed to be in their country and want to acknowledge that I, like may other foreigners, am staying in a place that is the home of someone else. Arambal is heavily populated by travelers from many different nations and walks in life. The local community is idyllic and seems quite welcoming to the hundreds of nomadic people who occupy their space during the "season", October to March, the time when people stay here. Oh...except for the friggen hospital!!! I have not told you of my experience, on my second day in India, taking my nephew to the hospital.

Kids get hurt. They get hurt in Canada, America, India and well, everywhere in the world. Kids get hurt. They get hurt by jumping or falling off tall structures. They get hurt running in the street, playing sports, riding bikes or in this case playing with objects that are dangerous. Kid A, a nick name i will use to respect his anonymity, was playing with a glass bottle when he cut his hand. It was a deep enough cut to release an amount of blood to send the three adults present running for materials to begin the clotting process.

To my surprise the first aid training I have kicked into gear at the same time my adrenaline did. We headed off to the doctors with not much more intentions then to find a doctor who would do a quick and simple stitch job. Rachel, Solo, Kid A and myself headed off for the closest doctor who quickly turned us away in the direction of a hospital, just as any walk-in clinic in the west would do.

We headed to a children's hospital which I really have nothing negative to say about. At the time my only small beef with the place was that we had to take off our shoes, a practice I believe is done to insure hygiene levels but made me feel the opposite. They were very accommodating and quite gentle and kind to Kid A who was experiencing his first major injury as a child. I shared stories with him about all the stitches I received as a youngster as we waited for the specialist to come in from home. Rachel let me know that there was concern that he had cut the tendon in his thumb.

The doctor, who I believe was a hand surgeon, had Kid A attempt to do a series of movements with his mangled thumb. Kid A at one point was in pain, crying only a bit at this point, was able to convey that he had "forgotten how to move it".The doctor was quite convinced that he had cut his tendon and offered his services to fix but also confessed that he would not be the best person to do such a intricate surgery. He informed us that at the Goa Medical College was a plastic surgeon who would be the best for the job, not to mention it would be free. Rachel and I pined over these options and decided that seeking the best quality care in the situation would be the best and at hour 6 of this saga headed off for GMC.

OH IF ONLY WE HAD KNOWN!!!

Quality care is not what we headed into to. In fact it was as close to the opposite as one could imagine. My sister even came up with a very probable theory that these nurses, doctors and surgeons where trained to be void of compassion. The experience made the children's hospital look like an oasis of love and care. About eight doctors came and examined his wound, each time not being gentle and asking him to attempt the same movements. The tears got bigger, the screams got louder. It was clean and redressed twice which was probably the most painful process for him as instead of gentle soothing service he was met with rough and mocking doctors. At one point the doctor actually laughed as Kid A shrieked in pain. Rachel seemed to experience new depths of love and care as she watched her oldest child experience pain. She is a rock star of a mother. She held it together, carrying her three month old baby in a sling for 24 hours, not sleeping herself and reassuring her son through all of this.

As I mentioned, 24 hours later they arrived home, I had left earlier to come home and look after the kids, (I forgot to mention that Chinua was away in Amsterdam during all this). Rachel stayed at the hospital through it all, at the request of Kid A, who brilliantly said "I want my family to stay with me" to which Rachel responded "well Uncle Matty is family". "Ya but I want family who is always around to stay" Kid A so elaborately said. He has a gift of putting what he feels and needs into words. He needed his Mama to stay and even though that meant a really uncomfortable and difficult night for Rachel, nursing her baby in a trauma ward while not getting any sleep, she stay. She is a saint.

Kid A made it through all of this and only morned the presence and restrictions of having a full cast on his arm for a day and a half. He looked at me with tears in his eyes the next morning and said "I want to take this off". I replied "ya I know, but you can't". After a couple hours of lamenting he started to forget it was there and begin to figure out how to live with it, using his left hand for every thing, quite well.

India and the people it accommodates are beautiful. Goa Medical Hospital is Satan. Straight up.

Sweet Sweet India

2008-11-20T00:18:00.000-08:00

I made. Yes I made it. Although I might be in heaven now, it was not an easy journey getting here. After two flights, delayed landings, crazy journeys into the heart of Mumbai searching for hotels never to be found and 40 hours of no sleep I found my beautiful sister waiting patiently for me in the Goa airport, making it all better.

India has found me and I never want to leave. The only thing missing in my life is my lover who I miss more then I would miss my spleen. I am staying in Arambal, a little town which finds itself bombarded with travelers from all over the world. Even more exciting then all the new things one can experience here, the best of them all is being Uncle Matty to four beautiful children.

I will tell more stories soon (maybe when we get some Internet back at the house). I have yet to tell you of crazy Indian hospitals and little boys who play with glass and share with you all of the photos I have taken.

Love.

2008-10-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

I think that Ellen does a beautiful job of addressing the very, very slow progression of conservative ideas being

thrown out of the fucking window. McCain however, attempts to skirt around the issue. Fuck "respectfully disagreeing", homophobia is

unacceptable!

2008-08-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

So Jae told me to write a blog. He's right, it has been too long. Quite honestly I have been distracted by my other love. No not Lara, although she is rather tempting, photography. So I thought i would share some more of my photos.
Jae has been visiting form Montreal on his with to work on his Photo degree in San Fransisco. Hands down he has been one of my biggest supports in starting out in photography and has encouraged me more then anyone. Thanks Jae.

You all remember one of the cutest girls in the world. Lara. Undeniably one of my favorite people to take pictures of.

This is Andre. He is a very talented local artist, usually busking near the London Drugs on Granville and Georgia. Go buy one of his Cd's, they are a great listen.

Watch out for this guy! Apparently he's pretty bad...I heard rumors about this him for years and BAMM caught a glimpse of him, snapped a photo and even got an autograph....

Resistance

2008-05-30T12:56:00.001-07:00

I am finding that I don't have a lot of time to write these days. However I do want to share parts of my life with you.

I have been very inspired lately by conversations I have had with some more progressive Christian thinkers. It is nice to know that you are not alone in questioning that which you have been taught,

taught with a gun to your head...

It can be a lonely road. It is a lonely road. I hold faith in an invisible God. My only real tangible tool is a book full of crazy stories. The establishment known as the Church, for the most part, refuses to allow people to think outside of the box in which they have locked their doctrine. I have not found a church which I can identify with, yet I hold onto hope that there are people out there that will resist some of the ideas that are being taught. Those ideas which contradict the love that is portrayed in all of those crazy fucked up biblical stories. People will desperately hold onto rules and laws by which they live their lives in order to have control over their lives. I have seen people spiritually abuse people when this is jeopardized. Unfortunately when you do this, I believe you completely miss the whole point. We are meant to live in community with each other. We are meant to love each other and tolerate each others beliefs. Break bread together and share our space. Instead, in our culture, we hoard ourselves up in our huge homes, blocking the entrance with our SUV's and don't share our lives with one another. On top of that if one doesn't believe the same things we do, we pretty much have nothing to do with them until they do...

something is wrong with this picture...enough rambling for one day.

I have this effect on all the women

2008-05-02T20:53:00.000-07:00

Has everyone met my wife Lara?

Gump

2008-05-02T20:38:00.001-07:00

Someone recently told me "You look like Forest Gump when he is running through the desert". Which he then followed with..."I just felt like running".

I am a person who everyday has someone tell me " you look like so and so. Usually it is Jesus Christ or Charles Manson or Daniel Day Lewis. This one was by far the funniest one I've gotten.

The Darkness Will Hide

2008-04-16T12:03:00.000-07:00

There is a chitter chatter inside my head
it is actually more like screaming
Trying to find a place to fit
is rarely painless
Speaking truth where it is lost,
shedding light on darkness
is a tiring task
I can not understand what you are going though
but I want to share with you that which screams
at me, that
sometimes I don't want to go on
sometimes I feel hopeless
sometimes I feel dirty and shameful
and sometimes I feel embarrassed
sometimes I loath myself
and sometimes I feel just fine
If you tell me that you
don't ever feel this way
I will believe it is a lie
but if you tell me something similar
I will celebrate with you
Speak truth where it is lost
and shed light in the darkness

2008-02-24T12:35:00.000-08:00

Noun

defiance:

1. the feeling, or spirit of being defiant

Adjective

defiant:

2. boldly resisting opposition.

Q: Are you ready for civil disobedience?

Too Far Translink, Too Far.

2008-02-18T17:45:00.000-08:00

I usually don't have a problem with anger, I thinks to myself. What's the deal. Why is this bus driver making me want to pull out my AK 47 and tell the holy bus driver joke. Let me back up a little and tell you the story....Shortly after leaving work, after facilitating a group with the youth on appropriate ways to deal with anger, I mounted the bus. I politely told the driver that I only had $1.35 (which made me $1.15 short). "Is that ok" I asked, completely willing to evacuated the bus upon his request. Being that he was on his cell phone, he impatiently waved his hand to indicate what I thought was approval. He pointed to the ticket machine, which I assumed meant yes. I waited patiently until asking in my kindest voice " Can I have a transfer"? "No" he replied, shaking his head mockingly as if I had asked to have lunch with the Dali Lama. Every endorphin in my body started flowing. I went to my seat wishing I could somehow make this man feel as small as he had made me. Because I did not want him to kick me off the bus early, due to my foot injury, I waited till my stop to approach this awful man. "Excuse me" I said in my second kindest voice, "I was wandering if next time you could tell me that you are not going to give me a transfer so I don't put in my money for no reason" ( side note: in vancouver, bus payment is not enforced because buses are now a "fare paid zone". This means if a Transit Cop gets on the bus and I don't have a transfer I will get a huge fine.) I said " there is no point in me paying my $1.35 if I am still going to get a fine. The Bus driver looks at me and says hatefully " you people are always ripping off the public. This time I got to rip you off"' If not every endorphin had gone off in my blood before, this time he succeeded. I rambled on some words, trying desperately to put him in his place only to sound like a moron. Of coarse i walked away thinking of every amazing thing I could have said which would have made him feel like a seven year old again. I kicked a garbage can and obsessed about it for about two hours. Time and time again when I give advise or facilliplate a group at my work I somehow encounter the subject which i have deemed myself an expert very soon after. Maybe it was actually me who needed to be put in my place and in fact God is not that gentle lamb I was taught about. Maybe it also that B.C transit is fucked up. We actually have no control over our bus system, as the public, as they start to privatize. Let me know if you have any idea about how to boycott B.C. translink before they go to far.

Dad

2008-02-11T13:29:00.000-08:00

I know this is not the first time I have written words of admiration about a family member but I want tell you about my Dad. If there is any person who embodies the characteristics that I would want to to be my own, it is my father. Wisdom seems to be natural. You could say that it is his age, the gray hair or the amount of books he has read but I would say that it is the amount of trails he has walked through with grace. Whether it is relationships, his children, money, personal doubt or even the deaths of loved ones there is no one on this planet that I believe walks through life so closely resembling the way Christ did. He is slow to speak and choses his words carefully. He is full of love for others and he wreaks of kindness. There is a glow around my father that I believe comes from dealing with life situations not how the world would but in the ways that are harder, the ways that Christ would have. To face hate with love, conflict with meekness, pride with humility. Something easily and often faked, it is rare to find these qualities in people.

"This is going to hurt like hell"

2008-02-11T12:44:00.000-08:00

So you want an update on my life. Is that why you read my blog? ( you my vast audience). Whats that? You want to know about the minor toe surgory I had this morning. Patience, I will get to that.
It all starts just over a week ago when my wife and I finally started packing. Finding time to pack is like finding time to clean the floor under your oven. Its never going to happen. Procrastination is the fatal disease that my wonderful wife and I contracted from birth. Actually, I think caught it from her but we don't need to tell her that.
So the never ending prosess of moving started by asking our if we could move into the apartment, which we would soon be residing in, one day early. Why did we request this incredibly intrusive favor? Well to be honest, we hired movers. They were only availible for hire on the 31st and we knew we had bait. We would agree to help our friend move out of the appartment we would take over. Realisticaly this looked more like myself helping her move while my hard working wife slept after doing the three exhuasting graveyard shifts that haunt her weekly. We have lived this appartment now for one week and my back still hurts and we are both still emotionally drained.
Work is going well. Thanks for asking. I get the priveledge of working with young people who are trying to get there life back from drugs and alcohol. I continue to learn new things from the wisdom which youth have to offer. Listen up, the most unexpected people on this planet have the most to teach us.
So after the long move, which left me a little more crippled, we scramble to make our new home an extention of who we are. Ready to make it a place in which we can invite community into our lives. It is our first place together as a married couple. I have never been more comfortable. Even as we iron out the kinks, I sit back and remember all the times we have lived with other people and I thank God we have our own little place to call home. I feel more comfortable around my wife than any other person in this world. There isn't many things in life more fine than feeling 100% at ease in your own home. My wife gives me that privelidge.
Scattering to unpack and decorate our home has been stressfull. Bills add up and limit us from doing what we want to our new sanctuary. We fight. We make up. Inevidibaly we wrestle to keep our heads above the waves of the first year of marriage. My wife is an amazing woman. To put up with my mood swings is not an easy task and she makes it look like she is a jounrnymen.
To bring you up to date I would have to tell you why I was laying on a stretcher in the emergency room this morning. For some unknown reason to anyone but the gods of the universe there was a sewing needle in my boot the other night. Sewing needing? Thats right, I was taking off my boot when i felt a sharp pain in my right big toe. I found two pieces of a broken needle in my boot. The force of my foot leaving my boot broke the sewing needle in two place as it entered my big toe. You heard me right. Stabbed right into my toe and after searching I could not find the third peice of the needle anywhere. You know, the part called the eye, where you feed the thread. After digging around, trying to find it like you would a spinter of wood I gave up and decided to go see the doctor in the morning. Bashfully I told my story to to the doctor. "Yes you heard me right Doc. I am suspitious that there is a section of a sewing neddle in my big toe". With reluctance she sent me to the Xray technition. I was soon back in her office to find out that i had 11 millometers of sewing needle lodge deep within my toe. She, as suprised as me, sent me two emerg. to have it taken out. An hour on the stretcher and four stitches later I am limping around the house writing this blog. My favorite part of the procedure was when the doctor said " I'm going to freeze your whole toe, it's going to hurt like hell"! Fucking sewing needle. What the hell was it doing in my boot. Talk about random life events we have no control over.

Hide your wounds and carry on.

2008-01-28T23:45:00.000-08:00

OK. So I have been thinking about what it is that is getting in the way of me writing. (last entry posted on January 7). TO MANY MIND! I need to heed the advise I always give to others. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT SO MUCH! I am a bit of an over analyser. Actually, I am an extreme over analyser.In fact, if there was an Olympic sport in which competitors had to obsess over meaningless, trivial moments in life I would take the gold every time. There would be no competition. (my wife just pointed out that I rewrote that last sentence ten times, point in case) My goal is be honest with you, my vast audience (hint of sarcasm). Honest in those really hard ways. You know the ones? Its the honesty that we aren't really taught in our individualistic society. Hide your wounds and carry on.

2008-01-07T15:19:00.000-08:00

It's always fascinating to observe how a True Believer reacts to a sudden, unexpected and unanswerable threat to his fundamental underpinnings.

-William Blum-

Ananias and Sapphira

2008-01-01T21:23:00.000-08:00

Ananias and Sapphira,

What made you do such a thing

A wife follows her husband

down a path she could not return

Supporting her lover

she fell down dead

God,

What made you do such a thing

Instilling fear in the hearts men

who will forget it at the sight

of a 20 dollar bill

a sale at Winners

suvs, RRSP's, and tight jeans

How is it that Satan has so filled our hearts

that we have lied to the Holy Spirit.

trying to understand a life i will never understand

2007-12-26T22:03:00.000-08:00

These tracks don't seem to lead nowhere
I think i knew that
although this long and lonely road
has gotten me through some
tough days

Could i convince you that I did
not chose this life
Would you even listen
as you throw around your words
You come out
on top
looking like a pro
Stone thrower

I have a beautiful view
overlooking the city
From where i stand
i can't see tomorrow

These tracks don't lead nowhere
but where else can I go

Would anyone care
care to take care of
Not just pat my fucking back
give me two cents
or maybe a quarter
even a dollar
Get a bite anywhere in this town
free but you can't find a home very easy
I thinks they're extinct

These tracks don't lead nowhere
But i ain't got nowhere to go
anyways.

Abscess, Absent, Abstinent
Ya right
Dead man walking
a long time ago
Estimated, it is more then likely
Time and time again
Of coarse we all know
Death comes to us all

1.

2007-12-26T21:46:00.000-08:00

Logic is like a
Cold breeze on the hottest
Day in July
scarce

Sweat no good without
Logic
forgiveness received?
Ignorance plead
on the grounds
built upon by Fathers
who did not have the answers
did not give the answers
could not find the answers
would not give the answers

Harder to admit
Do not have the answers
then
to fake it.

Cultivating Faith Through Doubt

2007-12-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

These days my faith has taken a toll. To be totally honest I find myself battling an army of cynical thoughts. It is the cancer which seeks to destroy my spiritual life. But fear not, this place in life is familiar, I have been here before. This place of uncertainty demands my world to be turned upside down and I am child again. I know these time as moments which amplify my need for Faith, my need for a God who is big enough to take on my cynicism. I serve a God which does not exist on a plane that my natural human senses can interpret. Put plainly I serve a God I can not see or audibly hear. Crisis then takes flight in the moments when I am emotionally drained and my spiritual life feels amputated. I understand amputation in most circumstances to be traumatic. A losing of a limb leaving one feeling that something is missing and not whole. This is how I feel, alone in my disfigurement. But am I alone? When i done sitting in my filth I remember why I have so much to rejoice for. What other times in my life do I remember my need for Faith. I fact we can only have such a strong faith in God when we are faced with such dilemmas. Tragedy whether it takes form in loneliness, death, oppression, despair, or a lack of faith brings us closer to God. Faith in times of doubt brings me to a place to remember the growth i have done and growth i have yet to do. It might sound dramatic to compare doubt to tragedy but I know for myself that these are lonely times. I am also aware of a certain lack of community or support in my life.

I tend to write in the dark times of my life. It is actually a running theme. I love my life and the people in it but I also wanting more. I am left with a thirst for more knowledge of the Holy presence I want in my life. I really just want my thoughts to be on God and what His heart is for such a fucked up world. If I can get a glimpse of that heart maybe I can be of some use to mending vasts amount of brokenness in this world.

Kicked in the Reality (writen by Lara Justine Devenish)

2007-12-13T11:58:00.000-08:00

Tonight the reality of life kicked in at work. In the form of a bomb threat/ brutal beating (separate occurrences) that I witnessed while standing outside with 8 detoxing men in the Downtown east side. Tonight is my first night back at work since I was cut and had to go on antiretralvirals (still on) due to possible HIV exposure. I am still feeling sick, but well enough to be at work. First two hours, relatively mild. I am happy for this as I am not feeling the most energetic from the ARV's. Then a bomb threat gets phoned in. "Get everyone out of the building, a bomb is going off in 10 fuckin minutes"......... click. Myself and four other co workers (from different sites) had to evacuate 8 detox patients, 8 transitional housing residents, 12 persons injecting at the safe injection site downstairs, everyone who was coming down in the chill room at the injection site and everyone waiting in the waiting room to get in to the IR. Stressful. Panic attacks over 'are we about to experience a real explosion, or are we just gonna feel paranoid from the shadowing possibility?'Trying to keep all the groups of addicts separate, keep a close eye that no passing is happening with the outside folks and my detoxing folks, I see across the street a man getting curb stomped. The most violent act I have ever seen first hand. While there are dozens of officers bomb specialists just in the doors next to me. I run in and get the police officers available to me who aren't busy searching for a bomb, violence in and out doors.....So here I am giving two separate statements, watching my people closely for any risky business and warding off passers by who are antagonizing my patients. Merry Christmas Lara. Welcome back to work. Hows the finger? Are the ARV's still making you sick?Want some tea or something?These are statements I was expecting to hear. Not, were you able to recognize the voice on the phone, or did you see where the victim and attackers took off too??? (the victim picked up his face off the road, surprised he wasn't dead and ran off) The moral of my vent, (this is almost more for me then you all)Is that, we live in an awful time with little light. We need to remember that at any moment, a calm night can go crazy. We need to tell everyone we love how much we love them everyday. I love all of you. So much that I needed to write this and let you all know how much in the moments of this awful night, all I could think about was, you all. Are MY people OK right now? Do they know, even if I don't talk much with them that I love them insanely. I love all of you so much. Sorry if this email grossed you out. I don't want to spread vicarious trauma. I am OK, I just needed to write this. LOVE Lara.

The ever impressive styles of a Ford.

2007-12-01T17:03:00.000-08:00

I want to take a minute to talk about a person who is a huge inspiration in my life. Her name is Rachel Ford and she is my sister. A fantastic human being (I am not just saying this because she is my sibling) she models a life that I consider to be admirable. There are few people in this world who are as self aware as she, growing vastly on a daily basis. I have not met many people who search their character and know themselves so much. She has been an amazing support in my life, a great listener, a great adviser. Also an excellent writer you can read her blog at http://www.journeymama.com/. She got skills, be prepared.

The Hulk

2007-11-23T01:37:00.000-08:00

I started this blog site about a week ago and I have not written since. Why? Well, I believe it is because I over think these kinds of things. I just want so badly for this to be perfect and to write brilliant words that might form beautiful paragraphs that change your life. I highly doubt I can succeed in doing so at 1:00am as my stomach reminds me I haven't eaten in hours and my eye lids beg to know rest.

I will however share this with you tonight. I have been thinking a lot about my character lately. You see, before I was in a relationship, before i swept my wonderful lady off her feet I modestly considered myself a patient man. OK, OK maybe a little self righteous about it but nonetheless patient and slow to anger. I really wasn't known to have conflict with people. However, now that I am married I am not so proud to say that I can fly off the handle very easily and say hurtful things to my wife. As I search and search for that once so patient, kind, slow to anger, loving man who seems to be MIA, I am beginning to realize that it is in fact that a relationship has brought new, sometimes ugly, colors out in me. Not much unlike Stan Lee's character Bruce Banner who turns into the Hulk when slightly triggered by anger, I too become someone I didn't know existed.

As a result of these realizations I am wanting to invite into my life more time to myself. More time to think. More time to read and learn from those who have explored these avenues in themselves. I want to live a more thoughtful life, be slower to speak and more eager to listen.

The begining.

2007-11-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

Well, now I am officially a blogger. Right? I was thinking the other day about how for hundreds, even thousands of years thinkers and scholars have been writing their thoughts down on paper and how much of an effort people had to make to have their works made public...Fuck! Now all I i have to do is log into my "blogger" account and type away. Technology freaks me out.

What is it that i want to make this blog site about? Well, I hope to create a venue where i can be honest about my thoughts on God, this life and this world we live that life in. It can be hard to find places to really talk and get the shit in my brain out into the universe.

I hope that my words can maybe spark some interesting thought in both myself and you. I also hope that i can share myself with you. To be honest I actually have a hard time letting people in, letting them see the real me. On top of that i get frustrated by people when they think they really know me. Like they got so one up on me and tell me how it is. It can feel so patronizing.

Here's a good quote i read recently...

" I must assume that my senses never furnish a complete representation of another person. I can learn a lot about you through watching you, listening to you, touching you. Yet there always remains a part of you inaccessible to me, the person inside your body, the real "you".
-Philip Yancey-

May we never assume that we always know each other and may we always be willing to learn something new. I learn this most of all in my relationship with my wonderful wife. I have known her for three years now (not very long in retrospect) but am still constantly being surprised by all the little things I get to learn about her on a daily basis. May we keep an open mind.

I love you all.

Matty